When Anxiety Meets Confidence, Oh The Bad Things

So, yes. Yes, I have been away for a while. I would apologize but you see. It's really been out of my control.

That's what happens when anxiety strikes. You're rolling along. All confident and what not. Writing stuff and feeling great about it. And then...

Something happens.

It can be anything really. Hearing a co-worker complain about her life. Then all of a sudden, you internalize what she is saying. You are overcome with a sweat and dry mouth. In the middle of winter. You begin to remember how you feel about things. Sure. Life is good. But it could always be better. You have a masters degree, what are you doing at that job anyway. ... Because you suck. That's why. You're just ... I'm not even going to continue.

And then. You remember. You actually kick a lot of ass. Yes. You have a masters degree. But. The economy is still in a shit tank and you have bills to pay. And? While you hate the job you have, you aren't bad at it and you do help people. That matters for something. You have your health, you have wonderful family and friends. It's going to all work-out.

And, it kind of goes around in a little vicious circle. A negative comment from someone you thought was a friend, could send you into an absolute spiral. Too many rainy days? Yeah. Bye. Too much negativity. Being around someone I really don't like or that makes me uncomfortable as fuck? Being in TOO new a situation? Yeah. Really anything sets it off.

It sucks. BAD.

Thankfully there is medication. Ha! And most importantly, for me there has always been writing. You see, you would say talking it out probably. But. I get flustered trying to express myself through words a lot. It comes out scattered. Yeah. It's bad! You'd probably be ok with it, though. You'd understand. Maybe. But. I'd be uncomfortable so!

So. It's even worse when you feel like shit about your writing. Especially when it's been your outlet since you were 16. I first began writing around that age. It was an incredible outlet. Everything I was feeling? I could write it out and feel a gagillion times better. I enjoyed it so much, I even made it journalism my major in college. I was actually really good at it. Worked at a couple of local newspapers. Won awards. I felt like I made a difference. And then, I ran across some folks who really tore my confidence down. It was never my writing that was criticized. It was always something else. Mostly, a woman in the newspaper industry. And I could never really get over the criticism. So. I moved on. Got that masters degree in public administration all on my own. Hoping to make a difference with writing grants. But. ... That's the hardest area to get into that you'd ever believe.

So. Here I am. Always looking for opportunities where I could use that MPA or that journalism degree. Sticking it out with an interesting job that is incredibly frustrating at times. Because paying the bills is important and one of these days - It will get better. And I have to remain confident in that. Otherwise? Well!

Basically, I have been dealing with a lot in my headspace and couldn't really communicate. And I feared that if I did communicate it - I would come off dumb and pathetic. You would wonder about me and if I really should be writing.

And honestly, that's something I have to learn, and relearn, not to worry about.

That will forever be something I am working on. In addition to dealing with my confidence. Dealing with my anxiety.

Anxiety is a topic I will discuss again! It's something I live with and I know many of you do, too.

It's always nice to know you aren't alone.  

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Micoblog Monday - Order What?

Today's Microblog Monday topic just floored me. Why? Because I can't even!

Would you ever let someone choose what you’re going to eat at a restaurant?

Absolutely not!

First off, it's mostly because I am too picky for words. I don't like certain foods mainly because I just don't like the thought of eating it. Or the texture doesn't appeal to me. And then there are flavors that I've tried and won't try again. Or just don't want to try.

Secondly. And this is probably obvious. I'm a control freak.

The very thought of someone else picking what I eat is almost more than I can handle.

Sure, you'll probably get it right. If I am in this situation with you, you'll more than likely know this about me. You'll know what I like and what I find gross. You'll know what textures and flavors repulse me. There are maybe a handful of people I'd let pick what I eat at a restaurant. And there are some that I would get up and walk out if I had to let them choose.

See? This just isn't an ideal situation for control freaks! Oh my goodness!

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Friday Drinks #1

My apologies for not writing much lately. Work's been crazy. Life has been hectic. So, let's sit and chat over coffee or beers or whatever!

* One thing I did make a little time for was a binge session for the hot documentary on Netflix, Making a Murderer. This show was mindblowing. I can't tell you if Steven Avery killed Teresa Halbach or not. But I was floored by the determined way in which the Manitowoc County Sheriff's Office went after him. They wanted to get him for whatever they could. And that Brendan Dassey hasn't received a new trial is criminal. He was completely disserved by possibly the worst public defender in history in Len Kachinsky. I could go on and on, and if you want to discuss feel free to send me a message. I have many an opinion on this one! And, if you haven't watched the documentary. Do so.

* I had said one of my goals for 2016 was to start working out. Well, I did join the gym and have begun working out. I'd honestly missed that more than I even imagined! Had a rough day at work? Go to the gym and work all my rage out before taking it out on anyone!

* Another goal was to sign up for a race. While it's not a road race, I have signed up for this: The 2016 Puppy Love Virtual Run - 5k/10k/Half Marathon
I signed up for the 5K because I am working my way up. And walking is welcome! It will be a nice challenge and benefits the American Humane Society. I really dig doggies and kitties too, so! Boom! I can run/walk this Feb. 13-21. I'll let you know!

* The BlogHer Writing Lab prompt this month have been reflecting on balance. ... I need to work on that! How about you? It's amazing to be in your 30s and not have it figured out yet. Oh well! Life is an adventure.

* Red Oaks on Amazon Prime is pretty amazing. The 80s. Tennis. Country clubs. Have you watched? Other Amazon shows you like?

* Very nice that winter decided to show up this week. Ice is the worst.

* Quick politics thought. Sarah Palin endorsing Donald Trump. Did you see his face when she rambled for 20 or more minutes in her opening speech!

This pretty much proves what a joke his candidacy is, but it should make the next few days before the Iowa Caucuses a little more entertaining. I also hope it means Tina Fey makes a return to Saturday Night Live this weekend. 

* Speaking of stuff to watch, this picture alone makes me want to catch 13 Hours. John Krasinski is looking good these days! Also makes me miss Jim and Pam from The Office! This is like an amped up Jim though! Look! 

 So tell me what's going on with you!

Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

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Peaceful

The sun washed over my face.
Warmth washes over me.
Looking down, I see the ocean water crashing against my legs.
The water is not deep at all but burries my feet in sand.
Warm.
Peaceful.







This is my first attempt at trying about Yeah Write.me! Enjoy and dive in if you want! 

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Happy New Year! Goals for 2016

Ok, first things first! 

Yeah, I made that. Thanks, Canva! ;)

I've never been really great at doing New Year resolutions. I'm more of a goal setter. So let's talk a little about my goals for 2016.

* Enjoy life. It's simple enough. But y'all, I get anxious and let silly stuff stress me out. Remembering to take the time to enjoy the little things ... friends and family, and getting to spend time with them and not take anything for granted. It's important.

* Get Healthy. I have been working on this one for a while. But I am going to take the step to join a gym, again, this year. A new one is opening here and has better hours (24/7) so, Why not! I also want to step up and do a race this year. Even if it is a virtual. Yeah, ok, I'll do a 5K and move up in distance from there. I have friends who do half marathons for funsies, so why not!

* Improve Diet. I've lowered my carb intake, began using Almond Milk, drinking more water, eating more fruits. I basically wanted to continue on the track I'm on and improve!

* Make this little place awesome! I want to make this a nice place where I can share my thoughts and talk with y'all! I have lots of ideas so we shall see what happens here.

* Work on my photography. I have a photojournalism degree. I enjoy taking pictures. It's incredibly relaxing and a nice form of expression. I want to do some more of it this year. Whether it's starting something big or just sell a few shots. We'll see!

* Improve myself financially. Nuff said.  Plans.

* Travel. This will happen easier when I improve myself financially. So. This is a hopeful goal!

So. That's it for now. I have a few other personal goals that I'll work on.

I hope you all have a wonderful, fun and successful 2016. All my love!

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Random Thoughts 12-30-15

I may do this random thought thing every now and then. So. Sit back and enjoy this first edition!

* While I love Adele's newest hit, Hello. I think if you really look at the words to the song, it's an incredibly bad idea. Getting in touch with an old love to talk about things and get closure? Sure. It sounds amazing in theory. But when you get honest with yourself ... that self that called someone a thousand times and got no answer ... you know this isn't a good idea. Enjoy the song. Don't take it to heart.

* Fitbit's sleep analysis option is of the devil. I've had my Fitbit for about a year now. I absolutely love it. The little device on wrist has helped me tremendously to stay motivated to get fit. I get a little crazy sometimes to meet a step goal, or whatever goal I happen to set for the day. It's how I work. And, it's helped. Recently, though, the fine developers at Fitbit pushed an update that improved the sleep analysis feature. I got curious. I kept it on while I slept just to see what happened.

Not a great idea! I think the best I got in the week I tested this was 4 hours. I guess I move around or something. But I do think I sleep better than this though. One little issue with the week long test? I am an extremely anxious person. I began getting anxious that I wasn't getting enough sleep.

Not cool! 

Basically? I'll keep using the Fitbit to keep me motivated to move it, move it. 

* I'm trying to decide if I enjoy El Nino or Polar Vortex - like winters. Honestly, I only like small doses of snow, not a fan of being cold and enjoy warmer temperatures that allow for being comfortablel outside. So, El Nino winters obviously win. I just don't enjoy rain that dumps devastating floods. 

So. Happy medium weather Gods! Work on that.

* Speaking of weather. I'm not sure if it's the weather getting a little colder, and so much rain lately, or even a Christmas Hangover, but wow, I've felt a funk lately. The weather is improving a bit and a new year with new possibilities is upon us, so let's hope this week improves ... and I get some sleep! We don't need me all anxious heading into the new year! 

Got any random thoughts or comments for me? Comment or send me a message! Take care! 

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Happy Festivus: An Airing of Grievances

Seinfeld is one of my favorite television shows. Ever.

That said, the Seinfeld-based holiday - Festivus - has always brought a smile to my face.

 According to Wikipedia, Sorry-not-sorry about that, here's what you should know about Festivus: 

Festivus entered popular culture after it was made the focus of the 1997 episode "The Strike". The holiday's celebration, as it was shown on Seinfeld, includes a Festivus dinner, an unadorned aluminum Festivus pole, practices such as the "Airing of Grievances" and "Feats of Strength", and the labeling of easily explainable events as "Festivus miracles".The episode refers to it as "a Festivus for the rest of us", referencing its non-commercial aspect. It has also been described both as a "parody holiday festival" and as a form of playful consumer resistance. 

The airing of grievances has always been one of my favorite Festivus traditions.

So. Since I have you here, here are a few of my grievances for 2015.

Cancer. Pardon my French, but the disease has been a real asshole this year. My father is living with prostate cancer. I say he's survived it but he's still receiving some treatments and what not.

My mom is a 13-year breast cancer survivor. My uncle has been dealing with brain cancer for two years - he's a fighter.

I've got friends whose loved ones are living with the disease.

And then, there are the not good stories. One of my dearest friends, Ann, lost her beloved grandfather to the horrible disease. Cancer can fuck right off.

Violence. From disturbances to mass shootings to acts of terrorism, violence has been down right prevelent this year. The world needs to do better.

 Politics. The United States won't vote for their next president until November 2016. We have another year to get through. Oh my goodness. So. I used to love politics. The game. The discussions. This year has really changed that for me. Politicians just say whatever they please to attract the most attention. See Donald Trump. And they aren't getting down to the issues that are really important. Yet, we can have debate about a candidate's use of the bathroom during a 3-hour debate. Seriously?

Media. The political media has been atrocious this year in how the political debate in this country is steered. It's absolutely abhorrent.

Twitter. I love this form of social media. Seriously. I've met some wonderful people through it. But, I've also received some of the bad side to the communication tool.

I am pretty vocal about my sports teams. I have opinions. I use Twitter to express them. That does not give anyone the right to attack me for it. But, attacked I and many others have been.

Another thing I find disgusting about Twitter? Why does my answering a question about sports or politics or whatever, give someone the right to dive into my direct message or timeline and ask personal questions. Like personal. Like there are people I love dearly that don't or would never ask some of things I've been asked.

Look. I am a real person. With real emotions, feels and a life. I'm not here for your pleasure or amusement. No one on Twitter is. NO ONE! Back off! I'll block and report you with a fierceness.

 So. That's just a few of my grievances. Got any you would like to share?

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